The Spread

Speaking of sandwiches, let’s talk about spreads. Some people put odd things on their sandwiches — like sandwich spread.

What to avoid: any product that uses the word spread, like we don’t know what to do with it.

“What do we do with this lumpy mayonnaise-like substance, Matilda?”

“The best I can figure out, Herman, is you’re supposed to spread it. But I don’t know for sure ‘cause there ain’t no directions on this bottle it came in.”

There are so many Brands out there. Kraft, Blue Plate, Duke’s, the list goes on. They all say “spread” on the front of the bottle.

They all include the following: chopped pickles, vinegar, eggs, red bell peppers, paprika, garlic, onion, turmeric, preservatives, chlorides, sorbates, a partridge in a pear tree, and other ingredients I can’t pronounce.

I believe that once upon a time, Joe and Bob were two loafers who didn’t have anything better to do, so they just worried about problems that may never happen.

One day Bob said, “Hey, Joe! What if someone wants to make a sandwich but can’t get the ingredients? What if the grocery store ran out of pickles, bell peppers, sorbates, onions, and turmeric? What if they only had meat, bread, and some sort of sandwich spread nearby? What would people do?”

“Well, Bob, that spread would have to make up for everything that they’re missing in that sandwich, is what.”

“Let’s make a mayo that already has globs and chunks of stuff in it just in case the world runs out of bell peppers and eggs. And let’s add some preservatives while we’re at it.”

They had the right idea to ask those questions, but they were sadly mistaken about what people wanted on a sandwich. They came up with a poor answer.

Now what could be worse than that?

Well, there’s a sandwich spread in England called Marmite. Its base is a yeast extract. And it was invented by a scientist who is considered the father of the fertilizer industry.

I hope and pray we never have a mustard shortage.

to the spreaders,
– Caleb